Character Studies and Rants...

So... there seems to be two main populations I deal with... and of course, they are the extremes. Either I have the patients that come in asking for 5 months of disability for a HANGNAIL, or I get the person with a CLEARLY fractured ankle coming in 10 days POST fall just- and only because the swelling was so bad they could no longer force it into their boot for work... uggggg

I feel like I should host a mix-er where both the hypochondriacs and the non-reactors could get together and teach the other group their ways... Again, the Eileen McKenna school of medicine that I grew up in ("if it's not arterial bleeding, and you still wanna go to gymnastics practice, then quit whining") has made me sympathetize more with the tough guys than the frequent flyers... but still, even with my bias I recognize the unhealthy aspects of both groups' approach to care.

In honor of that, here are some GEMS I've encounted thus far...

Patient #1 : Chief Complaint (reported to me via my tech) "Patient would like an MRI so she can be diagnosed as dyslexic".... Now, I can get her an MRI to diagnose her as CRAZY TOWN but, ain't no brainscan for dyslexia. And after 45 minutes of one of the most disjointed, anxiety-ridden conversations I've ever born witness too... I finally had a plan for her: Referral to mental health and a manic depressive disorder! Yikes

Patient #2: 40 year old male with "penile discharge"... now don't worry, this isn't going where you probably think it's going... his "discharge" was PEE... and upon digital rectal exam, he had an enlarged prostate... so after palpating the poor man's prostate, I told him "Now, you need to go over to lab and get the very first catch of urine in the cup becau-..." He states starring at me in HORROR as I am taking off my ky-jellied gloves and throwing them in the trash (which I thought was a perfectly RATIONAL thing to do with them...) but he interrupts my instructions and starts yelling "whoa whoa whoa!!!!! What are you doing?! Why are you throwing that away?!?! Aren't you tossing the sample?!?!"... I'm thinking, "did ya really think I went in there and scraped a lil' of your prostate under my finger nail for cytology to take a look at..." But instead... I had to calmly and with a straight face say "no, sir. I was just explaining to you that now that we've stimulated the prostate what we need is a URINE sample..."

Patient #3: 25 year old female coming in for "Back Surgery..."
Turns out, she wanted relief of work orders (what we call 'quarters' for Active duty Airmen) because she was having a MOLEEEEE removed from her back, or as she liked to referred to it, her BACK SURGERY... uggggg... Shaving something the size of a pencil eraser off your back and putting a bandaid over it, HARDLY qualifies as an invasive procedure mandating disability leave! uggggg This patient was such a joy, that the tech's started referring to her as "Eoyore"... because the second you went into the room there was an instant black rain cloud over your head. We were all quoting "thanks.for.noticing.me." and siging "I'm just a little black rain cloud... hovering over the trees..." the rest of the day. So ironically, this bitter patient, actually made our day BRIGHTER ;)

Hope you all enjoyed the stories... just a tip of the iceberg... trust me... hehe

Miss and love you all! xoxo